Electronic Conversations
by kdzl
Summary: Emails, IM, and texts sent throughout the BAU. Oneshot. JJ/Hotch, Rossi/Emily, Reid/Austin


**_I thought I'd try something different. Let me know what you think._**

* * *

To: Jill Jareau (jareaufam...)

From: Jennifer Jareau (jareauj....)  
Subject: Hi Mom

Hi mom, I attached some pictures of Henry, I hope you like them. I even have a picture of him at the zoo--which he screamed the entire time. I swear that if you were here, you'd say that its karmic payback for the little hellion I used to be. I've got news for you, being a mom is hard. You should have told me that. Not that I'm blaming you :)

I'll probably tell you more about this later when I call, but I just wanted to let you know so that you can start preparing some awesome advice for me to follow. I need it. Strauss (the awful Section Chief I told you about) cornered me this morning and told me about a position in Baltimore that FBI Brass thinks I would be great for. The pay is insane (good insane) and I would be practically running my own team, doing press for the Bureau. She wanted to send my paperwork down there so that they could take a look at it as well as review other agents who seem well suited for this job. The only problem is, I don't know if I want it.

I must sound crazy, not wanting a promotion, but I really am happy where I am at. I've worked with the BAU for so long, I don't know how I'd do anything else. I love the people I work with, and I love my role with the team. With all of this said, I don't want the greatest opportunity pass me by because I resist change. I don't even know what I'm going to do, I'll have to talk to Will about it.

Yes I saw the pictures of Tess's birthday party. I can't believe my little niece is ten. Its wierd how old our family is, it seems like just yesterday Paul was terrorizing me and being a stupid ten year old, now he has one of his own. It really is quite frightening.

No, there are no men here that I'm willing to set Amber up with. I love my little sister, but she's 23, I think all the guys I work with are a little old for her.

Well, I will call you as soon as I find the time.

Love Always,  
JJ

* * *

To:Strauss, Erin (estrauss...)  
From:Jennifer Jareau (jareauj...)  
Subject: Baltimore.  
Strauss-  
While I appreciate the offer, I respectively would like to decline the offer made to me earlier this week. I think it in the best interest of my family and friends that I stay here at Quantico. I feel fulfilled by the position that I am currently serving in, and so I would like to stay here in Virginia. I will not need you to send my application to the Baltimore Field office.

I really am grateful for the oppurtunity, but having no political ambitions outside of the Bureau, it would be a complete waste of my time to change jobs just for precedence. I hope you find some one soon to fill the opening.

Cordially Yours;  
Jennifer Jareau

* * *

To: Jeff Billows (jeffbillows...)  
From: Aaron Hotchner (hotchnera...)  
Subject: Position in your media department.

I lead Behavioral Analysis Unit in Quantico Virginia and it is my understanding that you initially took interest in procuring SSA Jennifer Jareau as your liaison. It is also to my understanding that Agent Jareau never filed an application for the job. Since I know that you are hesistant to hire someone who seems to not be even trying for the position, I thought I would intervene. It isn't that Agent Jareau wouldn't like this position, she is far too loyal to file an application.

I have worked with Agent Jareau for several years, and have found her respectable in every way. I've yet to work with a more competent liaison or a better agent. She consistently remembers that the victims we fight for are first and foremost human beings. She works well with others and I dare say that our unit is a better place when she is here.

Now you must be asking why, if Agent Jareau is such an asset, I would be going behind her back and trying to get her this position. The answer is that while Agent Jareau does flawless work, that is not all of her identity. She is the most honorable person I have ever met, and the greatest friend I have ever known, giving me a moral obligation to do what is best for her when she constrains herself out of false attachments.

I'm currently faxing you her filework, and hope that you will give it a closer look.  
Sincerely,  
Aaron Hotchner

* * *

To: Spencer Reid (reids...)  
From: Austin Lewis (bartendergirl....)  
Subject: You have got to be kidding.

Spencer, I love you, I really do. But Saoirse? Sweetie, I don't care if it is Irish for freedom, not on your life.

By the way, if you ever give the whole bartending thing a try, let me tell you a little secret, being pregnant sucks when you have alcohol around you all day. Its like being Amish in a Best Buy, its really hard.

Speaking of baby names, we don't even know if we are having a girl. I know that there are certain statistical possibilities that point that way, but its a little soon to be deciding girl names when I am only in my second month. And by the way, if we are having a girl, what about the name Jessica? Or Mallory? Or maybe Dillon for a boy. This conversation would be so much easier if we could do it person.

If none of my names are suitable for you, then I'm going to set a few parameters. No names that require a degree in foreign language to pronounce. Capice?

I know that you want to tell your friends at work, but can we hold off for just a little longer? I don't want to tell anyone this soon, while there is so much that could go wrong in the next month. (You really shouldn't have gotten me that book 'What to Expect when you are expecting' its been stressing me out)

Well, I guess that's all. I will see you when I fly down next week (YAY!!!). Call me when you get home.  
Love,  
Austin

* * *

To:Will LaMontagne (willlamonagne....)  
From:Jennifer Jareau (jareauj...)  
Subject: RE:Arrangements

If every other Saturday works for you, then I think it sounds great. I'll be home Tuesday at 7:00, will that work for you to come and get your stuff? If you're still trying to find a place to stay, Garcia and Kevin are moving in together and Kevin is trying to find someone to sublet, I could put in a good word for you. I'll just make him promise not to tell Garcia.

For what its worth, I'm sad too.

* * *

To: Derek Morgan (morgand...)

From: Fran Morgan (franmorgan....)

Subject: It your mom!

I'm trying my best to type this up (Sarah is hell-bent on me entering the 21st century), but this might be short.

Your sister is dating this nice guy. His name is Roy, he works as a mechanic. I'm hoping that this will turn into something more! Desiree deserves someone nice, and he seems like a good person. I just hope he doesn't turn out like her last boyfriend. I don't think we could take another Daniel.

How about you son, are you dating any nice girls in Virginia? Maybe I should be asking if you're dating _a _nice girl, you've never had a problem finding them, just picking one.

Give Cloonely a hug for me. He's probably the closest thing to a grandbaby I'm going to get from you.

Love always,

Mom

* * *

To:Penelope Garcia (garciap....)  
From:Emily Prentiss (prentisse...)  
Subject: What!

First of all, I'm so happy for you and Kevin. Moving in together is a big step-- do you think that it could lead to anything else your two's future together? I don't know, like wedding bells?

Man, am I the only person _not_in a relationship? Not that I'm complaining because I'm successful and I love my life, but how is everyone else dating someone? Well, except Hotch. But he doesn't count, he has no urge to see anyone.

Rossi's seeing someone I think. I saw him at this restaurant the other night with this tiny, little red-haired woman who was gorgeous, of course. Not that I mind, he is at perfect liberty to see anyone he would like. This is merely an observation.

Morgan isn't seeing anyone, but many. The odd thing is that all of these women know about each other, and I don't know if they just don't care, but they don't act upset. Really, its disgusting. But this wasn't why I emailed you.

Why I emailed you was because of JJ's promotion--Well, _tentative_promotion. I don't exactly want her to know that I'm conspiring against her, you know JJ, if she had a clue, she'd clam up. She isn't saying a word about it to me, but she tends to let you in on things like this. So if you hear anything, drop me a line. Yes, I know, I've got an ear for news. Sue me.

Thanks--I owe you!  
Emily

* * *

To:Emily Prentiss(prentisse...)  
From: Penelope Garcia (garciap...)  
Subject: This is fight club.  
Hello my raven haired beauty. The Goddess of wisdom and greatness is having mercy on your plight and letting you in on a recently aquired loop.

I feel _a little_guilty telling you this, because JJ is my friend. But she's your friend too, so you deserve to know.

I wasn't technically supposed to know about this, but the shot of Kevin keeping a secret from me is slim to none. Seriously, what was Barbie thinking? Anyway...

Will and JJ are no more. I know!!! Will was going to sublet my darling's apartment, but now that JJ may go to Baltimore, he might just stay at their place and she'll move to Maryland. But in either case, they aren't going together.

I personally hope she stays here. I love Blondie enough to know that she belongs in DC. And now that her and Will are ca-put--who do we know that is fabulously single, and spends 70 hours a week around JJ? Who also has an uncanny attraction for blondes, and would make the cutest children with the liaison possible? You got it my beloved--Aaron Hotchner. Now wouldn't that be adorable.

As for me and Kevin, I don't think that's in the cards quite yet. Eventually, definitely. But my main man has some of them pesky student loans to deal with before any matrimony will be possible. Someday though.

As for Rossi's girlfriend, me thinks you might be a little jealous. Do tell.

And now I have to hack into the child sex offender data base. Gotta head.

Love eternally--  
Garcie ;)

* * *

_IM Conversation For David Rossi (rossid..) and Emily Prentiss (prentisse...)_

David Rossi: Emily, you need to go in there and control her.

Emily Prentiss: Who?

David Rossi: JJ, she's yelling at Hotch.

Emily Prentiss: Why do I have to deal with her?

David Rossi: Because your a woman, you guys are supposed to be there for each other.

Emily Prentiss: Like bosom buddies. Rossi, 'Steel Magnolia's' is a work of fiction it isn't an accurate portrayl of womanhood.

David Rossi: I've worked with Bundy. I met with Charles Manson, and yet, I have never been more afraid than I am now.

Emily Prentiss: Coward.

David Rossi: She's a pissed off woman carrying a Glock 19, I've got a reason to be. Do you know why she's throwing a tantrum?

Emily Prentiss: Can you not hear it through your paper-thin walls? I'd be angry too if someone got me a job behind my back.

David Rossi: He got her a job behind her back? Aaron, Aaron, what were you thinking? I knew even before number one that doing things like that won't fly with women like JJ. Are you going to save him?

Emily Prentiss: Fine.....

_Emily Prentiss appears offline and may not respond to any messages_

Emily Prentiss: I'm back, and I survived, no thanks to you.

David Rossi: How did it go?

Emily Prentiss: I thought we were going to have to call security. She is mad.

David Rossi: Is she going to leave?

Emily Prentiss: I think she turned it down, but I'm not entirely sure.

David Rossi: Then what is there to be angry about?

Emily Prentiss: JJ is my best friend, but by no means do I understand her completely. I think she was offended, like Hotch doesn't want her at the BAU so he tried to get her transferred somewhere else, but I really have no clue.

David Rossi: I don't even know what to say. By the way, do you have any plans tonight?

Emily Prentiss: Not yet, but the night is young.

David Rossi: Maybe we could get coffee, start to understand what is really going on with JJ.

Emily Prenitss: That could be fun. Alright.

David Rossi: Alright. Then I guess I will see you after work.

Emily Prentiss: Sounds like a plan. Bye

David Rossi: Bye

_David Rossi appears offline and may not respond to any messages._

_Emily Prentiss is logged off._

* * *

To: Amber Jareau (amberclairejareau...)

From: Jennifer Jareau (jareauj...)

Subject: Grrr!

My boss is a moron! If someone says they don't want to move to Maryland, then he has no right playing Gepedo. Seriously!

And when I went to confront him about his behavior, Emily had to walk in and threaten to call security. Its not like I wanted to hurt him, I just wanted him to know that he made me mad. Ooh, and no one seems to be taking my side. According to both Emily and Garcia, I'm over-reacting. They are my best friends, they're supposed to be on my side. Not his!

This is why I'm emailing you, because you care about me more than Hotch! It seems like you're the only one too. Mom told me on the phone that I was being unpleasant. How am I going to be pleasant when my boss is trying to ship me off to Baltimore? I HATE BALTIMORE!

Will finally came and got his stuff, after about three weeks. I swear, I hate men. They are all manipulative and petty, I'm going to raise Henry to be different. I promise you, he will never be anything like Aaron Hotchner or Will. I'm not kidding, I'm officially celibate.

Some loser is knocking on my door, I should go answer it.

-JJ

* * *

To: Jennifer Jareau (jareauj...)

From: Amber Jareau (amberclairejareau...)

Subject: I'm a little frightened.

Darling, you're scaring me. You aren't the theatrical type, and that was very dramatic. Take some deep breaths for me and drink some tea, you'll feel better. I will slowly respond to all of the dark bitterness you have so angrily thrusted upon me, but you need to relax.

Granted, your boss probably shouldn't have done that. It is a little over-bearing and manipulative, but I'm sure that he meant the best. If he really was trying to cruel, he wouldn't have tried to get you a promotion that is almost ideal. He just cares, I'm sure of it.

Emily and Garcia are probably right. I understand that grumpy people don't like to hear that they're grumpy, but Sweetie, your grumpy. They love you enough not to lie to you. Your lucky to have friends like that.

But, you emailed me for me to be angry, so give me a second. Alright, they are all dumb, kick them in the shins. Was that good?

I'm glad Will finally claimed his belongings, its about time.

Not all men are bad, look at Dad and Paul, they are good guys.

Love,

Amber

* * *

To: Amber Jareau (amberclairejareau...)

From: Jennifer Jareau (jareauj...)

Subject: RE: I'm a little frightened

You suck at the game of being a sister. Your supposed to be bitter and enraged. But, I guess you're right. I'll call Hotch or go over to his house and apologize, and talk rationally.

Why do you have to be the nice one of the family?

Your sister,

JJ

* * *

To: Spencer Reid (reids...)

From: Penelope Garcia (garciap..)

Subject: You've got some explaining to do

Can you tell me why, when I am out getting my coffee, I see your girlfriend, having what appeared to be a copy of 'What to Expect When You Are Expecting?'

You procreating and you didn't even tell me? What the heck! Where is the trust? After all of these years, you knock up your Girlie friend and you don't even have the decency to tell me!!!! I COULD STRANGLE YOU!

While yes, I am making death threats, I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU! Dude, this is just all that good karma you have procured over the years coming right back to you. Do you know what it is yet? What are you going to name it? Is Austin moving up here? Are you getting married? Does your mom know? Mazletoff!

I swear, mum's the word. I won't tell a soul!

Your's truly,

Garcia

* * *

To: Emily Prentiss (prentisse...); JJ Jareau (jareauj...)

From: Penelope Garcia (garciap...)

Subject: Surprise!

REID KNOCKED UP AUSTIN!!!!!!! I wish I were kidding! This is so beyond believebly exciting!

But keep it on the DL (Down Low for all you Emily's who don't understand acronyms)

* * *

To: Jennifer Jareau (jareauj...)

From: Emily Prentiss (prentisse...)

Subject: Wow, surprise indeed.

I didn't think our Reid had it in him. Go Spencer. I have to say, his child with Austin is going to be pretty darn cute. (Not half as cute as Henry though)

I had dinner with Rossi last night, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. It was exciting, but I was so excited and that I was nervous, and when I got nervous it got awkward. I don't even know what to think about it. Parts of it were so good, and then-- like I said, I just don't know.

So how are you doing? You seem in a much better mood. Also, you and Hotch seem to be getting along better. What happened last night?

I don't even know what to say about Reid, its just---Man.

--Emily

* * *

To: Derek Morgan (morgand...)

From: Noelle Christiansen (christiansenn...)

Subject: Case file for the Hobbs fire

I know that it isn't classified Rush, but I was wondering if you wanted to go over the file tonight. Maybe over dinner? Let me know

* * *

To: Emily Prentiss (prentisse...)

From: Jennifer Jareau (jareauj...)

Subject: I agree.

Spence having a baby is both terrifying and yet, so happy. It just does the heart good.

Dinner with Rossi? I'm sure it couldn't have been that bad, maybe your just overreacting.

Yes, I'm feeling better. Me and Hotch had a really good talk.

--JJ

* * *

_IM conversation between Derek Morgan (morgand...) and Spencer Reid (reids...)_

Spencer Reid: Morgan, can I ask you something?

Derek Morgan: Reid, you're sitting right there.

Spencer Reid: I don't want Prentiss to hear.

Derek Morgan: I'm intrigued. What is it that has you afraid of telling Emily something? Shoot.

Spencer Reid: I'm being blackmailed.

Derek Morgan: Like what, by an unsub? By a cop? What

Spencer Reid: By Garcia

Derek Morgan: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Spencer Reid: It isn't funny. I'm now talking to her more than I talk to Austin!

_Penelope Garcia (garciap) has now entered the conversation._

Penelope Garcia: I am not black mailing you. Don't get your boxers in a bunch

Derek Morgan: My boxers are just fine baby girl. How did you get in here? I thought you had to be invited to IM Chats

Penelope Garcia: Mere mortals need to be invited, but when you are a tech Goddess like me, you learn the loopholes. Reid, stop acting like a baby, I just care about you and your baby

Spencer Reid: If we wanted people to know yet, we would tell them.

Derek Morgan: What are you two talking about? Reid, quit blushing, Emily's going to catch on.

Spencer Reid: I'm not trying to. We aren't talking about anything

Penelope Garcia: That isn't true. Reid has a secret that he isn't sharing with the group. Here we all know that JJ and Will broke up, that Emily and Rossi are interested in something different than friendly camaraderie, and Reid is keeping a secret. And I happen to know what it is.

Derek Morgan: Oh Mama, you've got to tell me now.

Penelope Garcia: Reid's been K-I-S-S-I-N-G and we all know what comes after that.

Derek Morgan: Marriage?

Penelope Garcia: Yeah, but that's coming after the baby with the baby carriage

Spencer Reid: GARCIA!!! How many people have you told

Penelope Garcia: Do you really want to know

_Spencer Reid has logged off of Instant Messenger_

Penelope Garcia: Whimp

Derek Morgan: How many people have you told?

Penelope Garcia: Leaving Emily out of the conversation was unnecesarry, she already knew. Along with JJ. And Rossi. And Hotch. And Kevin. And the Organized Crime Unit. And the nice guy at security. But other than that, no one.

Derek Morgan: Baby Girl, remind me to never tell you anything that I wouldn't tell someone randomly on the street

Penelope Garcia: Sure thing my dark chocolate thunder.

* * *

To: Emily Prentiss (prentisse...)

From: Jennifer Jareau (jareauj...)

Subject: Advice?

I've got a question for you, which is totally hypothetical. Lets say a woman, lets call her 'Dana', just got out of a really strained relationship but she dated 'Jeff' for a long time and it waqs good to end things. Then after an arguement at work, she goes to her boss 'Bill's house, and they talk for a long time. Just a really good conversation. How long should Dana wait before persuing her attraction with Bill without being a slut?

Just out of curiousity.

As always,

JJ

* * *

To: Jennifer Jareau (jareauj...)

From: Emily Prentiss (prentisse...)

Subject: RE:Advice?

Hypothetically speaking, I think Dana should wait for a little while, but if she found someone she likes already, why not go for him? I don't think she needs to jump on the oppurtunity right away, but she shouldn't wait just because its the polite thing to do.

I've got this friend named Emma who went on a date with a friend named Davie, and she had a really good time. The problem is, Davie is well known for his former conquests. Like he slept with every woman in the DMV before he went on his book tour. Now Emma doesn't know whether she should leave Davie alone, because after his three marriages he has proved he is very anti-commitment. Should Emma proceed with caution, or leave Davie alone with his dog and riches (it was a very popular book) ? What would you tell Emma? Because I want to be able to help.

* * *

To: Emily Prentiss (prentisse....)

From: Jennifer Jareau (jareauj....)

Subject: RE:RE: Advice?

Emma should give Davie a chance. He might have changed since his book tour, who knows? Emma will never know unless she gives it a chance. Like Dana gave Jeff a chance, and while it didn't turn out to be an eternal thing, at least she knows she explored the possiblility. I mean if, if Dana was a real person, which she isn't.

But what if Dana ate lunch with Bill today, and it was probably the best time she had in a while. Which is funny because, lets say that Bill is a workaholic, who really isn't a riot to be around, but he seems to understand Dana so well? Bill is also a really good dad to his son...'Sergio', and is so good around Dana's son 'Harold'. But Bill is still Dana's boss, and Dana doesn't even know if Bill is intrested after his wife 'Hillary' left. Dana would be really confused, what would she do?

* * *

To: Jennifer Jareau (jareauj...)

From: Emily Prentiss (prentisse...)

Subject: RE:RE:RE: Advice?

You know, this Dana situation sort of reminds me of you and Hotch. He's totally interested, but you aren't so much. At least you don't seem to be interested in him. I think Dana should test the waters a little and see if she is in fact interested in Bill.

Emma has another date with Davie, and is panicked. I told her to relax, but I don't think she is listening to me. What should Emma wear? I mean, she's probably going to borrow clothes from me, so you would know the options.

* * *

To: Emily Prentiss (prentisse...)

From: Jennifer Jareau (jareauj...)

Subject: RE:(x4) Advice?

Dana is interested in Bill. VERY INTERSTED. What would she do next?

Emma should wear your green tank with the lavender cardigan. I really like that outfit on you, so I think it would work well on Emma. Emma needs to relax so that she can enjoy her time with Davie.

Take Care,

JJ

* * *

To: Jennifer Jareau (jareauj...)

From: Emily Prentiss (prentisse...)

Subject: Re: (x5) Advice?

Emma's going to wear what you said she should. I told her about it and she really liked that idea. I heard that Emma is drinking some tea, trying to calm her nerves, and its only slightly working. But she knows that she'll have a good time with Davie.

Dana should continue to talk to Bill, and build a strong friendship with him. Strong friendships lead to the best relationships.

* * *

To: Jennifer Jareau (jareauj...), Emily Prentiss (prentisse...)

From: Penelope Garcia (garciap...)

Subject: You two are losers

I was practicing my privilege of reviewing the happenings of your inbox when I noticed this little treasure titled 'RE:RE:RE:RE: I'm SO FREAKING RE:'d OUT' where I noticed the epic tales of Dana and Bill and Emma and Davie. And my reaction is--You two are a waste of human breath

Jayje, seriously? Sergio? Harold? Are you dumb? Do we need to send you back to school? Who in the world would name their child Sergio? If you want to date Hotch, you should just ask him out. He wants you, go for it Blondie!

And Emily, Davie's a best-selling author who wrote books about the DMV? What did he talk about, traffic laws? J-walking? And you really couldn't have come up with better code names than 'Emma' and 'Davie'. You went Yale, at least JJ tried.

I hope you have fun with Davie tonight Emma! And Dana, ask Bill out! You two are pathetic.

So it shall be written, so shall it be done.

Garcia

* * *

To: Aaron Hotchner (hotchnera...)

From: Jennifer Jareau (jareauj...)

Subject: Urgent

You may want to review the rules of hacking with Garcia. She's reading my e-mails again. If that could be taken care of, I would appreciate it.

Would you like to go get some coffee after work? I'm in need of a caffeine fix, and Emily's going out with Rossi and--would you like to go? Text me if you do.

-JJ

* * *

Txt Mssg:

Aaron Hotchner: Yeah, coffee would be great. I'll take care of Garcia. Call you later.

* * *

To: Emily Prentiss (prentisse...); Jennifer Jareau (jareauj...); Aaron Hotchner (hotchnera...); Derek Morgan (morgand...); Spencer Reid (reids...); David Rossi (rossid...); John Talbot (talbotj...); Patricia Ludlow (ludlowp...); Richard Dayton (daytonr...); Jordan Todd (toddj...); Cameron Davis (davisc...); Bridgette Abbot (abbotb...); Tomhas Clark (clarkt...); Martha Jones (jonesm...); Michael Keller (kellerm...);... (75 other recipients named in this email)

From: Penelope Garcia (garciap...)

Subject: Apology.

Friends and fellow Americans,

It has been recently revealed that I, Penelope Garcia, discovered remote access to your emails and Instant messaging conversations. I should have used this power for good, and not my own personal gain, but as has been said "Absolute power corrupts absolutely."

After a reprimand from my supervisor, I have seen the errors of my ways and am truly sorry. I never meant to tell every one that Reid got his girlfriend pregnant. Or that Agent Abbot was sleeping with Agent Keller. Or that Agent Clark was getting his vasectomy reversed. Or that Prentiss is dating Rossi. The list could go on for days, I think we all know the incident to which I'm referring. My friends, I am very sorry.

I never meant to get discovered, but I couldn't help myself from commenting on your various emails.

Apologetically,

Penelope Marie Garcia, Technical Analyst


End file.
